Wednesday, December 13, 2006

'tis the season to be jolly for news

well GAWDDARNIT! its like a bad dream that keeps getting worse:

hydrogen economy set to crash and burn, Herb Morrison unavailable for comment:
I honestly want to know who's bright idea it was to propose an entire infrastructure centered around an element that doesn't occur naturally on Earth. I've got a better idea, if we start producing pixie dust we could just fly around instead of all this driving nonsense. Actually I guess that suggestion starts to break down around the Happy Thought phase of implementation because we have a shortage of that resource these days...

I'm going to take this one a bit further and break it down.
"If we lost (in court)," said Dave Barthmuss, General Motors' spokesman for environmental and energy affairs, "certain vehicles could not be offered for sale -- vehicles that consume more fuel than others. There would be fewer SUVs and we might not be able to offer them for sale in California. It could spell the end of the big SUV in California."
BOOHOO, somebody call a Prius whaaambulence for these bastards. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, a 90lbs housewife does not need a Sherman tank to drop the kids off at soccer practice. In an era of record-high energy prices were said energy comes from the most volatile and dangerous areas of the world we have
automakers crying about the end of their grotesque, wasteful creations. It's like Nero bitching that his violin is out of tune. This next quote illustrates the point nicely:
G.M.'s Barthmuss said the efforts by California and the 11 other states to be able to limit greenhouse gas emissions "is really a state attempt to try to regulate fuel economy, because the way you reduce greenhouse gases is to reduce the amount of fuel you burn." Fuel economy regulation, Barthmuss said, is the responsibility of the federal government and should be handled only by the federal government.
OK, so here we have an admission that a) SUVs are greenhouse gas spewing monstrosities and b) they have sucky fuel economy. Then he cleverly defers to "the government" as the arbiter of standards as if to imply that all California is seeking is more power and a chance to further interfere in the lives of the average American. "Damn west coast liberals!" mutters Barthmuss as he cuts the check to Universal Studios for the nice product placement in Miami Vice 3: Operation Smoke-a-Cuban. But sadly his statement fails to hold water because "the government" is going to do nothing about fuel standards for two reasons; 1) the federal government's impotence when it comes to enacting forward thinking but politically risky strategies and 2) this government is in the pocket of the American automakers and their bedfellows Big Oil. So leave it to California to once again blaze a path into the future, but watch out because they may force you to have cleaner air and lower your energy consumption.

here's what Bush will do about Iraq, or might do, or in some theories of multiverse physics has already done:
Bush compares Iraq to Vietnam, which I hardly think he's qualified to do since he only saw Vietnam for the first time a couple of weeks ago:
ah ok, its those crazy al Qaeda boys at it again. whew, I was worried this was a civil war:

wiretaps, good, bad, whats the difference? it won't stop for another two years anyway:
late to the party as usual, the government will investigate the spying program, way to be on the ball guys:

oil prices hurt Indian economy, we're next:

"let's get out of here!" says NATO

the image of our generation, ladies and gentlemen, I present Generic Fat Kid:
seriously, this kid's picture gets used for every fat story, if I were him I'd sue for either compensation or emotional distress...or both, it is America after all. then he can use the money for liposuction, stomach stapling, and getting a sponsorship from Subway

so, he's from Alabama, he currently has my last name, and he's auctioning renaming himself, NO RELATION:
ok ok ok, its me, I needed the money

Harry Potter teaches kids about the Devil and it needs to be pulled from shelves:
while you're at it, get rid of those pesky reference books like the encyclopedia and useless things like the internet because kids might find pagan stuff there too. just keep the kids locked inside watching Veggie Tales on repeat, that'll save their precious little souls


solar madness:

this guy is great, he's freakin hillarious:
and everything you need to know about "that time of the month":

you can't leave me, I'm pregnant, or why the Mitten State sucks:,2933,236144,00.html
and now, some good news, yet another male birth control option is around the corner, the tyranny of the uterus is ended! long live the penis!

finally the link du jour, the Daily Schadenfreude:
and a penis joke for the road:,,2-2006570530,00.html

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